Monday, April 19, 2010
Craving the Difference
Ill do anything to feel different. Ill do anything. I want to see it all. The good , the bad, the normal, and definitely the ugly reality of the things not warned about or talked about openly at the dinner table. I hope there’s so much more. Here or even there, there in the future somewhere. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it makes sense to me. Something different, ill do anything for something different. To feel solid, all me, without any anxiety and without a hand full of these nerve pills. What will they think of me now that I have said that? I can’t satisfy this craving addiction of vice. Punishing myself because I want to be different and its mainly bad self-worth because of all the buried torment deep inside, but showing out through the eyes and violating. Punish everyone sacred to me. My heart feels like a ticking time bomb sometimes. Ready to explode itself all over the faces of the people close by. Of course it’s going to be the people who care who get covered in my blood. No one you want to be clear of your mess ever is. The important ones always suffer with you. And the parents. What have they done to deserve this? Nothing. All they did was pass down this genetic flaw of a human being. Who craves, wants, and needs, needs, needs. I am the perfect combination for hell on earth. Sure there are more sadistic and tormented out there, but that doesn’t mean I can just suck it up, be strong, ignore, and move on with my life. I pace, I pace the floor at three in the morning wondering what is missing and why I am not satisfied. Yes im young, learning and trying to find my niche in life. Somewhere where I will fit. But deep down I know I will finally find that place where I can finally sit and laugh. Knowing I survived, creating myself, a man who is satisfied. Finding that god within myself I can finally be proud of.