Until the Heart Thaws
The Dark Inventory
God, Drugs, obsession, and the progression of the body and soul addiction.
For each of you I have a well constructed pedestal. I house and endless supply in my mind. I am the one at the base. You will see me there, below you. Your eyes will shift slightly down to catch a glimpse of the intensely bright medal I offer up to you. I have mounds of these symbolic medals to place around your neck, whenever you need that ego filled. I will even give you one without asking. If you happen to stumble upon this make shift life I live at the moment, you likely will receive many. They will get heavy though. They will weigh you down, because if you are around long enough you will realize you are wearing a part of me. I am the man in the corner watching his life progress and move towards. Just towards...something.
Waiting for the fill in life. Knowing details, but no genuine substance. I will feed off of you. A people succubus, lacking in so many ways. I will give you all the ego boost, all the unnecessary praise a whole person doesn’t need and jam it down your throat. I do this because for some reason I am not comfortable with deserving. When I get close, I am chaotic and attempt the demise of what I deserve. I am not deserving and will self destruct. You are deserving though, and I don’t even truly know you. Your pedestal is starting to break though...
Are you just another person that I will love and blacken? Will you convert from a person to a drug? Will I feed off of you until you taste this dark world I have created and return to when life throws substance my way? You will not follow, because its pain and its all mine. This world I have created. Do you see my souls sickness? Well my attempt at gaining any light has to be now. It will start with a confession, an inner spill outwards. This is my attempt to grow and stabilize. I will take back what I have unnecessarily given with a confession or amendments for myself, dark amendments...
Somewhere under short breaths and rapid hand tapping,
I recognize my pulse,
a silent increase,
a sober pounding of the chest.
I promised myself a pill,
some smoke or distillation of some sort...
A hyenas laughter or a babies cry must have been the last of the echos I heard while I was unconscious. A taunt of some sort. What question should I ask myself with this instant interpretation of my subconscious abstractions? The able or the vulnerable?
Once again an anxious craving retaliates against my shallow dreams. Awaking me. Outside the sun sets like a horizontal blood flow. A disgusting red. Shedding the last of its layers over the plains before burning out like an old neon sign. I caught a couple of the acid rays while climbing out of one of my rare unforgettable dreams.
A cool staleness fills my cubical sized room, brought on by the cooling of the black night. My eyes sting as I forcefully peel the lids back, exposing my pupils to the blurry mess of light from the television screen. I blink and try to focus on my alarm clock which sits melting over my scalding register, too hot to wake me. My contact folds to the top of my eye, I squint to force it out. I lay back down in bed and try to focus, wondering when the phone is going to ring. I can’t see what time it is and my head is disgustingly clear now. I am anxious again, so I get up and stagger to the bathroom to wash the grease off my face. I quickly put in a new contact, focus and splash my face with cold water. It gives me chills.
I make my way through the community bathroom door and focus for a minute realizing no one is on our floor yet. Im relieved by this. Hoping the bareness of our dormitory floor means no party tonight. People will just interrupt. I still don’t know what time it is though. I get back to my room, fall again to my bed and quickly grow even more anxious. I run my tongue along the back of my teeth. They are rough from rare cleaning. The phone still hasn’t rang. " Its time to go to the grocery store" I think to myself. I don’t have a car here yet though. I can’t stay here like this, so I’ll walk. I grab what cloths I see on the floor, smell them and decide they have one more wear in them. I throw them on and head for the door. "Thank god this campus town is small" I think to myself. This tiny Missouri town has given me a handful of laughter already. The Amish thrive, as I foam at the mouth for six hours in the grips of a binge. I dumb down with a sick depravity forgetting there is a god for days. A somewhat polar opposite gallops by daily. A Christian College has allowed me passage to take there knowledge and I hardly consider myself a Christian follower of any sort. I gave my Lutheran back round the boot a while back.
I already know this town like the back of my hand and I have only been here for a hand full of weeks. So I walk down the only road there is to the grocery store. I stubble on the road side pebbles and my eyes burn from the headlights of an occasional passing vehicle. The road is producing more traffic than normal, reminding me that it must be the weekend. I want to start running, but im almost there. I see the bright lights of the grocery store in the distance. My heart picks up the pace. I actually feel awake now. I finally get to the parking lot of the store and slide my way through what cars sit in the parking lot. I pace through the automatic sliding doors of the store and make my way to the pharmaceutical isle. I want something quick, cheap and long lasting. I think back to my previous experimentation while scanning the shelves. I get the chills again. I need to lose myself tonight. I see something familiar, motion sickness relief. I start to feel anxious again, so I grab two packages of 12. I walk down a couple more isles to the beverages. I need something to wash them down. Something to cover up the grit taste of all 24, cherry soda should do the job. I bury my hand in my pockets to dig out the correct change. I start to count, but I already know its not enough. " Thank god I brought my checkbook" I thought. I impatiently make my way to the checkout counter. I throw down my two packages of 12 and my bottle of cherry soda and ask the woman behind the counter for a pack of menthol cigarettes. She hesitates, looks down at my items, then back at me. "Sure" she says, in a low almost disappointed voice. Even though I am a little embarrassed I shrug it off because by now I have gotten all too many of these discouraging looks before. Its obvious that I am purchasing a quick fix. Its obvious to everyone what I am planning on doing. Displaying my desperation for any kind of escape, no matter how damaging or dangerous it is to my body. But its also obvious that I really don’t give a shit at this point. I quickly pay and head back into the humid night. I stumble a little, focused on the plastic bag digging at its contents with my arm. I haven’t even crossed the parking lot, running into cars as I rip the small bottles of relief from there packaging, throwing the small bottles and shredded packaging to the ground. Getting all 24 on my tongue, I open the bottle of cherry soda and it explodes somewhat all over the parking lot and my hand. I down a quarter of the bottle to deliver the grit to my stomach. I wipe my mouth, my stomach growls a little from the quick delivery. I pack my menthol cigarettes, ripping the top off sliding one out and into my mouth, I light it, violently inhale, then exhale slowly. To any spectator to this sad sight would make them feel promise in whatever situation there skin walked in at that moment. Thinking "some beast just inhaled himself in the parking lot." I stand on the edge of the parking lot with a little relaxation for the moment. Walking slow, knowing I have about 45 minutes until I lose this night.
I get back to my dorm, open the door to my room hoping my roommate is still somewhere else. He is. I sit at my computer and start to instant message friends from back home. I get the chills again. I continue to type knowing anytime now I will progress to nothing. I get the chills again and my whole body grows warm. All of a sudden I hear someone talking. I realize that its coming from the side of me and turn my head and some guy from the room across the hall is saying something. I can’t focus and feel like im burning up and comprehension is slipping fast. An icky feeling is rising from under my skin and in some twisted way it comforts me. "A spoon, do you have a spoon I could borrow?" I piece together from my neighbor. Without words I dig in my bottom drawer of my desk and find the utensil and hold it over my shoulder without looking at him. My door shuts and I start to mumble something, but no one is there to hear the mess exploding from my mouth. My coat is hanging in the corner and it reaches for me. I jump a little, startled then focus and realize the coat didn’t move itself and im where I want to be. I manage to get up and drag myself to the community bathroom knowing this will be the last trip out of my room for the night. I make it to the row of sinks, grabbing the closest one to the door. I turn the faucet and splash a little water in my face focusing on the mirror above. I see my eyes. I move my head about an inch away from the mirror because I cannot comprehend how red my eyes are. Im looking for any white in them and I can’t find much. The light hurts in here, so I piss and creep out. In segments almost. By now my vision has a strobbing effect and everything has a delay. I fumble into my room and shut the door. I manage to climb into my bed and turn the t.v. on. I focus on the Jim Morrison poster above my bed and catch random non existent figures out of the corner of my eye and slowly drift off.